I am not writing this to say poor me. I am trying to explain why I have been in a dark mood lately, to get it out, and to make a record of it because this is kind of a journal for me.

The light end of my tunnel is blinking ominously as if it is about to go out permanently. Before I make the long trek down the tunnel to tap on the bulb with my finger tip, with one of the curly light bulbs that is guaranteed to last for years in hand  just in case it needs replacing, I am going to wallow a bit.  I went to bed at about 430 yesterday, woke up made a phone call went back to bed. Sometimes I just need to wallow.  Hope and faith is a bit tiring.  I will wake up tomorrow or the day after all sunshiny and new, but until then I will wallow and suffer as I want to.

So many things have been going on and I feel the need to mention only a few.

I have no living room furniture. I turned it in. I know the manager at a rent to own place and got a heck of a deal on the stuff, I had and it was almost paid for.  But my mom cant pay a bill any more and I have added her and a 2^nd car to my insurance so it is now double what it was so I cant afford my furniture any more.  I also had to give up my cable TV.  Which I suppose is good in its own way, as we have nothing to sit on to watch it.  As I mentioned before we don’t get any channels at my house with an antenna so its books (I have read a million times each) and video games for us. Yippee! 

Therefore, we are desperately bored to begin with and have nothing to sit on but the floor. Pickles refuse to sleep in his room and has for just about as long and I can remember.  He took to sleeping on the couch about a year ago when I banned the dogs from his room as he will not wake up at night and the dogs are old and need to go out in the middle of the night.  So since the departure of the couch he has been sleeping on the floor of my room. I informed him that he was too old to sleep in my bed so he settled for a sleeping bag and the floor.  Oddly, I do not find this weird as until the time I got married I never slept in my room.  He does not know this but apparently its an inheratited (sp?) trait.  On a semi unrelated note, I have no bed frame. My mattress and box springs sit on the floor and have for about 9 years. 

The last thing I want to discuss is my love life or lack there of.  Rerun has returned to his pattern of pulling a disappearing act.  Now I know his past and why he does this, it’s because he is scared of developing feeling for a person or that person developing feelings fore him, and that is probably too much info for me to divulge about another person on here.  His issues are his own and not mine until they effect me in which case these have.  Now the reason I called it quits is that I have been in enough or what I think is more than enough relationships to know what isn’t going to work.  First off was my ex-husband who I left for cheating on me and on GP for other, “I can’t believe you put up with that behavior”. Next came Aaron for two years I supported him while he sat around and played on the computer, ignored me and ok cut the grass sometimes, then was mike who thanked me for teaching him how to love again blah blah blah.  Next was David who thanked me for teaching him how to love again blah blah blah, yeah two in a row. Finally, we have Tray whose job was more important to him that anything else in life including his family or friends who chose the side of his neighbor over the women he lived with in a ridiculous argument about the neighbor’s dog destroying property.  Then we are pretty much current.  These are not my only relationships they are the ones that lasted over 6 months or over a year and that left etchings on my heart faint or deep. (One left out that ended because of a war and a move to VA My G I Joe)  All the men chose something over me or I was made to feel that I wasn’t good enough in some respect. One took another woman, one was uninterested, the next two loved me but with their newfound freedom were restless and wanted to be free so I let them be. Trey well tray was tray and who wanted to be there were you were in that big house all alone knowing that you would always be after the job, after the neighbor lady, etc. (kids you expect but 3 or forth down the line is hard to deal with) So, I am hard on the people I am with because I want someone who wants me. I want to be 1^st if there are no kids and 2^nd if there are.  I think I deserve that.  I want someone who wants to be with me not someone who settles, not that anyone has ever settled for me.  I have a line of men that are dying to go out with me they just don’t meet my standards.  My standards have nothing to do with money or looks.  They have to do with your morals and the life that you live simple things really. Well that and you cant be a really big dork.  LOL But back to the subject at had.  Can you understand why I would have a problem being with someone who on their third time at bat with me runs away?  I have been down that road and it ends badly for me.  I get hurt.  I am also not the only one involved this time.  I have let Pickles meet the cheese this time.  Not a smart move on my part and not something I have done in the past Even with a few of the people named above.  I don’t want him hurt. And guess what, he is going to get hurt over this. So now, not only am I hurt and disappointed, I am even more hurt and disappointed in myself because I am letting this happen to him.  Then there is the pain I feel as a mother that he is going to hurt.  Because as a parent we hurt with our children especially when we cant take the pain away.  But I will get back on my feet soon and the cabinets wont be bare and i will have somehting to sit on.  Maybe we will even get a satelite and who knows maybe rerun will want a 4th chance. And I have lost at least 5 pounds in the last week worring about him so thats kinda a good thing.   I will think about it after my nap, I told you hope is tiring.